Today I did well. I feel like I need a pat on the back for getting up and fuctioning the way most people do every day. Yeaaa me! Most of the winter I di not do so well. Thre were days I didn't get out of bed. I didn't care. My "safe" place is hiding under my covers and avoiding reality. I guess I figure if I stay in bed I don't have to deal with life. Of course that doesn't make it better. I know that, but some days it is the easy way out. It's like an alcoholic drinking. Why do they drink. To hide from their real life problems. I now this because I had an alcoholic father for 36 years. He has now been sober for 3 years because he hit rock bottom and was going to lose his only child. I willtell that story another time. So, I guess one positive is that I don't drink or use drugs to hide behind my illness. One day my youngest daughter came home from school and saw me in bed. She said "Mommy, arn't you going to get up and make me dinner?" Boy did I feel like crap. I think people tat do not understand depression see someone who is suffering from it as being lazy. Not true. I have soo many things I "want" to do. I just have lost the desire to smile, have fun or get around and do the things I need to do. It makes me mad and I get more depressed because I feel lazy and unproductive. People mean well and tell me to think of all the positive things in my life. If I just choose to be happy I will be. I t doesn't work that way when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. That s like telling an anorexic to just eat. Or telling someone who suffers from schizophrenia to just be normal. I don't CHOOSE to feel this way. I don't want to be this way. Noone has "labled" me. I am not stuck to a label. I do not think because I was told I have depression and Generalized Aniety Disorder that I must act that way. I fight these demons in my brain every single day I wake up. I hate my brain. I get mad that I can't just make all of this go away and just be "normal". And when I say normal I realize that no one is normal, but I mean it in the way the most people do not think my way and get up every day and not have trouble doing just everyday usual things. Yes, I am very aware that I have three beautiful, smart, healthy daughters. I am grateful for each breath that I wake up and take every day, especially because of all of the people I see suffering and dying at my job. I KNOW how precious life is. But my brain doesn't work like that. If I am depressed and in a slump, nothing gets me out. I can barely move. I do not think of suicide, but days I do feel like I just can't do this anymore. I knowI am a fighter. I keep going back to the psychiatrist and keep changing my meds around. I NEED to be better for my family. THAT is what motivates me. I will never give up fighting this craziness in my head. I will be it one day. Just not sure when that will be since I have been fighting it for 14 years now.

My First Blog

Well, where do I begin? I am 39 year old female who has been fighting and suffering from depression and anxiety for 14 years. It is a constant struggle every day to get up and try to be a "normal" human being. I have been through countless medications and either they do not work or I cannot handle the side effects. My family suffers as well through my "good" days and bad days. Who does depression hurt? Everyone. My family sees it, but to see me in public or at my job you would have no clue how I struggle inside. I get so tired of fighting what I call the demons in my brain. I want my brain to be normal. Is that too much to ask for?